I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
