i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
