if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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