Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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