I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
