shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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