i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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