my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
