im six kinds of drunk right now
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
