You're a womanizer and a bitch.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
