I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
