Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
