There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
third nipple confirmed
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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