Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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