get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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