I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You made out with two different species that night
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Randomize
