i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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