Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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