Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
