Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
