god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
