I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
