She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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