Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
