Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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