She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
