That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
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it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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