I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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