This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
