I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
