Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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