if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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