I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Randomize
