I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
