guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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