My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
