I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
