If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
