remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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