Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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