he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
