textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
