This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
a search helicopter?!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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