the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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