So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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