I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
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it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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