just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
