maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
