Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
worst night to have a conscience
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
