Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
