I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
