I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
