So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize